First, it bears mentioning that there are some pitfalls to avoid when considering the opinion of your friends. One pitfall to avoid is the peer pressure trap. This is why it is important to surround yourself with good people; friends who won’t ask you to compromise your values. It would certainly be foolish to take advice from somebody who’s incapable of being a decent human being. This is why your close group of friends requires careful consideration. Then, after you know you can trust their voice, you can use their feedback in an empowering manner. Additionally, you should never become prey to decision-based paralysis over fear of what others will think of you. Although concern for the thoughts of others is paramount to being a decent human being, it’s deeply and painfully ineffective to make a decision based off of mysterious unknowns. What I am proposing is to instead make choices based off the information you do have. If you’re unsure of how friends will react to a certain decision then simply ask them. The world needs to revisit the lost art of counseling with trusted peers.

The importance and usefulness of counseling with a group of friends becomes apparent when you examine the social circles of people who’ve made great change. Pick a great poet, politician, master architect, or musician. Now, research their close group of associates. You will find something very interesting and compelling: the best in any field in any time are usually close friends². There are multiple reasons for this, but among them is something pertinent to this topic. The fact is, that through many means, these people of similar interest and drive found each-other and then developed relationships that afforded them the positive power of feedback and criticism within a group of challenging and inspiring peers.

This powerful social propellant is not just reserved for society’s elite, or the famous, or geniuses. Anyone can make use of this, and it doesn’t take club meetings, agendas, exhaustive surveys, or lengthy studies. Start today. Start by asking your friends simple questions that will get you the information you want. Some possible questions you may ask are:

• What is one way you think that I can improve as a person?
• Is there anything I have been neglecting to do that’s important? What?
• Tell me one thing I do that may be harming my relationship with others.
• Have you noticed any bad habits I have? What are they?

It is important that, once you’ve obtained the feedback, do not turn to anger or defensiveness. Odds are, your initial reaction will be to dismiss their opinion as incorrect. Realize that this is because what your friend sees is not apparent to you, not because it isn’t reality. Don’t allow your pride to get in the way. Thankfully take the feedback and determine how to use it. This should be a useful part of your goal-setting and planning. Finally, check in with your friends regularly to discuss your progress. This keeps you accountable³, as well as allows you to gauge your progress and gain insight.

As an example, I’m going to request that readers leave comments answering this question for me: how can I improve my blog?

1) A disturbing facet of our modern society is the inability of our leaders to actually lead. Instead, they seem to test and retest the waters of public opinion as often as the average person blinks, and then cautiously do nothing for fear of stepping on the wrong ant.

2) Some examples:

• MoTown (Smokey Robinson, Diana Ross, and Stevie Wonder were young friends)
• Italian Renaissance (Masaccio, Donatello, and Leonardo da Vinci were contemporaries and associates with Cosimo de’Medicci)

3) See this old post under heading “Accountability”

Press it, you know you want to!

Over time my archived unread count became increasingly bloated and thus increasingly intimidating. Which of Merlin Mann’s five posts about creativity should I read so I can finally get the inspiration to do something? Which friend’s flickr uploads are going to prove the most interesting? How will I avoid the inevitable awkwardness of complimenting Paul on his latest pics while failing to even notice Andy’s? The stress was insurmountable; anxiety is the last thing I need to be getting from the Internet. If I wanted to feel like that I’d play an MMO. At least then I could revel in my pretended magic abilities.

The solution to my problem was simple and scary: delete.

The reasonable side of myself concludes that I haven’t read any of this stuff and still, the world has gone on turning and I’ve still managed to have a great time. Subtracting, of course, the nagging feeling that I have to meet this wholly voluntary obligation for which I will be accountable to no one.

In opposition there is the sense that I am missing out on something good. However if examined, this thought process has little foundation. For instance, consider the tremendous amount of knowledge being transferred through the air and between electronic miracle machines via mystically named fiber-optic cable. Every day, every person, every second misses an incomprehensible amount of information; from Hawking to Uncle Hal.

I am thoroughly convinced that the work put into gathering information should be equal to, if not lesser than, the energy used in actually using that information. The essential root of it all is in the application. If Einstein never published his theories then nobody would know who he is.

Essentially, the key is to realize what is good information and what is bad information. Take in the good, ignore the bad, and then turn around and do something with all that quality stuff you learned.  In reality though, developing the talent of sorting good from bad information takes time, and so the ability to start fresh, cleaning out your inbox, your to-do list, or whatever is a great blessing.

All this is why today I deleted all my unread RSS Subscriptions. It was liberating and I was able to take a step in the direction of actually accomplishing something (this blog post for instance).

So where is the backed up stockpile in your life? Are you going to delete it?

Each individual can naturally expect to have unique and personal reasons for failing to keep their resolutions. Still, there are common threads, which, if understood and addressed, would make all the difference and keep our goals from unraveling shortly into the new year.

Unraveling Baseball

Clear Vision

Where there is no clear vision of a desired result it becomes impossible to exercise the willpower and determination essential to achieve. A lens out of focus does not lend itself to capturing a subject. Half the battle is to clearly define your goal. Do not focus on immeasurable vagaries like, “becoming happy.” Instead, focus on what you want to do or accomplish. Make the end result measurable not just by you, but also by even a child. The process will be confusing and difficult enough, so start on the right foot.

Simplicity

My profound overuse of commas is a likely indicator that, like a vast number of writers, I have a propensity to overcomplicate.  I am also guessing that anyone reading this most likely discovered my post via some social networking site, and thus, shares my predisposition.

The one nugget of advice I can offer is to set goals that you know you can handle, but which (for some reason) you haven’t yet accomplished. Nobody’s ever going to sponsor your expedition to the top of Everest with all that credit card debt. Simplicity in goal setting makes success a greater reality, and thus fuels your ability to tackle the bigger challenges.

Avoiding Burnout

It can be insurmountably depressing to toil in vain. Yet all too often our approach keeps us confined like hamsters in a wheel: working and getting nowhere. In order to avoid this you must first eliminate anything that is not under your control. Focus on what you can actually influence. Instead of making a goal to be healthy, which could be adversely effected by any number of outside forces, it would make more sense to concentrate on calorie intake, which you have direct control over.

In addition, give yourself the whole year to achieve the goal. If your objective is to get to a target weight, then break that resolution down into meta goals until you get to the point of daily tasks. Daily habits will affect the year’s outcome more than token spurts.

Accountability

Quite often I lull myself into vapid security because I’m the only one aware that I failed. We instinctively care what others think and often this is a powerful motivation. However, the true value of accountability is that an outside observer who is aware of our goal can offer invaluable insight and encouragement. It’s the same old “two heads are better than one” principle.  Find a respected friend, preferably one also looking for help with their goals so that at least one of you will follow through.

Physical Reminders

Among certain Jews a special article of clothing is worn called Phylacteries. Boxes kept in place by leather cords are hardly a modern norm. The source of this tradition is the following passage of the bible:

And thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children, and shalt talk of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou risest up.

And thou shalt bind them for a sign upon thine hand, and they shall be as frontlets between thine eyes.

And thou shalt write them upon the posts of thy house, and on thy gates.
(Deuteronomy 6:7-9)

The phylacteries are an outward, physical reminder of an inward spiritual dedication. Chances that you’ll see somebody wearing them at the state pork festival would be slim. The physical reminder enforces a previous choice.

Jews in traditional clothing

Far from suggesting an alteration of clothing or intense accessorizing, I recommend placing reminders in the places you most often find yourself. It could be the bathroom mirror, your desktop, your door, or your cell phone; whatever works. Since thoughts are the seeds of action, a perpetual reminder is an easy and effective device.

This is no productivity sham-wow!

There is no  one program or method that is correct. Remember that the object of this reflection has been to cover the commonalities in my failed attempts. Fix-all systems are empty promises. That is why I’d like to hear what works for you. Let’s discuss what your goals for the upcoming year are and how you plan to realize them. I will do the same.

When we build our bridges on false hopes disappointment is guaranteed.

The other day a large group of friends and I went to see a movie. Afterward we were figuring out our plans for the rest of the night. One of our chums who wasn’t there had sent a text message asking us to please organize something and tell her because she “wanted to hang out with everyone.” To this my good pal Joe rebutted, “if she wanted to hang out she would’ve been here.” Some may jump on this comment, writing it off as nothing more than an oversimplification, but an examination of what Joe said provided a profound epiphany: actions speak louder than words.

People essentially do what they want. Desires are the seeds of action, therefore we make our choices based on incentives that, whether in reality or not, offer what we desire. If our friend, for instance, had really wanted to be with us more than anything else she would have modified her plans.

This idea affects all interpersonal relationships. For a great read on how it intersects in the dating world I suggest The Brad Pitt Rule by Brett and Kate McKay over at The Art of Manliness. In essence, if you ask someone on a date and they make an excuse without offering an alternative then obviously they don’t want to go, or at least not bad enough to work for it. Do you really want to go on a date with someone like that? Move on! The concept fits in with family relationships, work relationships etc.

However useful it is to take people for their actions instead of their words, caution must be used. This principal should not give room for extreme cynicism and finger pointing and accusations of hypocrisy. Don’t invest any emotional stock in a vain hope; however don’t go on expecting disappointment at every turn. The healthy route is to have realistic expectations of others and work from there.

The most practical use of this idea can be found in how we deal with our assumptions. For instance, your roommate always promises to take out the trash, yet seldom does. Do you really have a right to be angry at him for not following through when he doesn’t for the millionth time? Instead just take the trash out yourself, or become comfortable with the fact that it’s not going to be done. Worry less about making others change and focus on what you can do.

A Zipo lighter uses the friction of flint to create sparks which ignite lighter fluid.

Today’s lunch break was when I had my epiphany. I decided I needed something at least marginally healthy to make up for this week’s dietary disaster. Therefore, I made my way to the Jack-In-The-Box on the corner for a salad.

Pulling in, I quickly became discouraged as I beheld the ten-car line waiting in the drive-through. I parked my car and made a trip inside. The line was just as long indoors as out, except instead of cars it was now made up of what appeared to be completely degenerate pre-human hominids wearing mostly flannel and denim.

Finally it was my turn to order. I ordered my salad, paid my dues, and got my number. I was a full 15 orders behind the last that was called out. Disconcerting. At least that is, until my number was called after only a minimal wait.

Here’s what I realized: salads are pre-made.

Some poor minimum-wage-earning kid makes several in the morning so they’re ready to go. All it took the worker was a simple opening of a fridge door and my salad was DONE. I can not express in word nor song the glorious jubilance that filled my soul. Not only was I eating healthier, but I was effectively trimming half an hour off my wait time.

This got me thinking: are there other times when I take two negatives and somehow the combination of the twain becomes a positive? In life we tend to view external forces as a hindrance, yet like friction between two objects creating fire, sometimes these annoyances can actually create a useful tool.

I’d love to hear some feedback on circumstances in your life that have forced you to make unusual decisions but which turned to your benefit.

A Zipo lighter uses the friction of flint to create sparks which ignite lighter fluid.

Today’s lunch break was when I had my epiphany. I decided I needed something at least marginally healthy to make up for this week’s dietary disaster. Therefore, I made my way to the Jack-In-The-Box on the corner for a salad.

Pulling in, I quickly became discouraged as I beheld the ten-car line waiting in the drive-through. I parked my car and made a trip inside. The line was just as long indoors as out, except instead of cars it was now made up of what appeared to be completely degenerate pre-human hominids wearing mostly flannel and denim.

Finally it was my turn to order. I ordered my salad, paid my dues, and got my number. I was a full 15 orders behind the last that was called out. Disconcerting. At least that is, until my number was called after only a minimal wait.

Here’s what I realized: salads are pre-made.

Some poor minimum-wage-earning kid makes several in the morning so they’re ready to go. All it took the worker was a simple opening of a fridge door and my salad was DONE. I can not express in word nor song the glorious jubilance that filled my soul. Not only was I eating healthier, but I was effectively trimming half an hour off my wait time.

This got me thinking: are there other times when I take two negatives and somehow the combination of the twain becomes a positive? In life we tend to view external forces as a hindrance, yet like friction between two objects creating fire, sometimes these annoyances can actually create a useful tool.

I’d love to hear some feedback on circumstances in your life that have forced you to make unusual decisions but which turned to your benefit.